Why Do We Get Defensive?

I used to get extremely defensive.

I was fiery, I was explosive, and I was reactive.

Somebody would question my actions or why I do what I do, and I would feel the need to shout or respond with a certain level of aggression.

Or if I knew I needed to be civil, I would explain myself in an incredibly unconfident way that increased their skepticism even more.

Why?

I was insecure, I was incompetent, and I was unsure of myself.

When did I realize this?

I used to see a sports psychologist weekly back when I competed at the University of Alabama.

He was one of the best in the game.

He regularly coached world renowned PGA tour golfers, MLB players, NFL players, and more.

After the first time I spoke to him, I knew I needed to see him regularly.

He gave us lessons that fast-tracked high-level performance.

He had seen it all and could reframe any issue we brought to him. He would even let us in on how the most successful athletes he worked with operated. He would share their thoughts, their self-talk, and how they navigated performing and executing.

At this point, I was dealing with injuries that kept me out of scoring big in many competitions.

Coming back for my final year at Alabama, people would constantly question me.

“Do you think your body will actually hold up this year?”

“Do you think you just can’t handle doing a heptathlon or decathlon?”

“Do you think you’d be better off letting go of the sport?”

Every single question filled me with rage. I knew what I was capable of, and I knew I would achieve it. I just hadn’t quite put the pieces together. I honestly hadn’t figured out my body and how to treat it.

And every time I got these questions I would fire back with anger, disgust, aggression, defensiveness, or just a sly remark that did no good for my reputation.

I brought this to my sports psych and asked him to help me break it down.

I told him: “Nobody believes in. They keep asking me all of these questions to get a rise out of me and make me get in my head. I don’t know why they’re doing this, they’re supposed to be my teammates.”

And what he said shifted my whole perspective on life…

“Jake…nobody asks you these questions to get a rise out of you or to get in your head. They’re genuinely curious of how you’re feeling. It’s your interpretation of the question that makes you second guess yourself. You’re insecure and not confident in yourself. You only get defensive because deep down, you don’t believe that you’ll be able to achieve what you say you will.”

F***…

That one hit deep.

And the crazy part is that it was so damn simple. I just couldn’t get out my own head and realize that everyone was genuinely curious how I was doing.

I was constantly second guessing myself. Wanting to quit the sport that had already given me so much. Wanting to just give up and do something different.

I knew things needed to change. I knew my habits needed to be altered to match my goals. I knew I needed to carry myself different.

Confidence in yourself is built by stacking undeniable proof of who you say you are. This could be the work you put in, your achievements, the fact that nobody can peer pressure you, all of the film you study, the people you spend time with, etc.

By stacking these habits, you have something to genuinely look back on and say, “I believe in myself because all I’ve achieved / completed. This work cannot be replaced.”

And that’s where confidence and belief in the self is born. It’s born in the work you put in and the habits you implement.

So next time we find ourselves second guessing or reacting in defensiveness to someone’s comment, take a step back. Reflect. Then ask what you need to change to feel more confident in your actions.

That defensiveness should act as a trigger for you. When you feel it, it’s time to reflect.

I promise you an unshakable self-confidence is on the other side of all that defensiveness…we just need to make the change to get there.

So here’s to the growth :)